The stigma about domestic violence and lesbians.
Are you the boy or the girl in the relationship? I hear that question a lot. Or, at least I used to when I was just a baby lez. The world is a bit more informed these days, for the ones that are listening anyways. So I don’t get that question anymore. By the way, in case you were wondering, the answer is a girl. Duh! We are both girls, that’s literally the only requirement to being in a lesbian relationship.
Apart from both of us having lady parts, a lesbian relationship is not very different from a straight relationship. We date, we go on vacation, we laugh, we cry and annoy the shit out of each other once in a while too.
Not being very different from other relationships, we have disagreements from time to time. My wife gets hangry when she hasn’t had her coffee or hasn’t eaten yet. So, I know that I must feed her stat when that happens. I have never been a morning person, so I am a tad grouchy in the A.M. We communicate pretty well but don’t always get it right. She’s not perfect, I am not perfect, and we don’t expect each other to be. Okay, I’m not trying to make you vomit, but she really is my best friend. But, no, like literally. We were best friends for fifteen years before we dated. So cliche, I know right.
Like other couples, lesbian couples may experience domestic violence. It is often not discussed. You would think that women to women relationships shouldn’t experience this type of abuse. After all, we are on an even playing field, right?
Wrong.
All couples face adversity and challenges. Often the leading cause of arguments is miscommunication, lack of communication, or pride. I can’t say I have always done the mature thing. I’ve been out of line a time or two. Lost my cool, if you will. I believe most everyone has experienced this at least once in their life.
There are several different kinds of abuse. Here are a few.
- Verbal Abuse
- Mental Abuse
- Physical Abuse
- Sexual Abuse
Let’s break them down a bit. Verbal Abuse is when someone speaks ill of you, belittles you, or continually has something negative to say to you. The purpose of verbal abuse is to break you down emotionally and or mentally. This type of abuse is for manipulation or pure cruelty.
Mental Abuse, although similar to verbal abuse, can be without saying a word. Head games, for instance, is a form of psychological abuse. A partner may not say a word for you going out with your friends to the movies. But later, they may give you the cold shoulder. After the repetition of this action, it becomes a method of control. Which in turn, is mental abuse. You may stop going to the movies with your friends because you already know the consequences when you get home.
Physical Abuse is physically harming your partner through assault and or battery. Physical abuse could even be locking someone out in the cold without a blanket or cover. Your body physically suffers; therefore, this is physical abuse as well.
Sexual abuse, like physical abuse, is unwanted harm, touching, forced sexual acts, etc. Sexual harassment is a form of sexual abuse. Physical contact does not need to occur for an incident to be considered sexual abuse.
A common misconception about domestic violence is that the butch or least feminine partner is the abuser. The preconceived notion is that the butch female takes on a masculine persona. Therefore, they must be the aggressor. Masculinity can translate to some as macho and tough like a man. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. A feminine partner can be masculine, and a butch partner can be feminine. There is no written rule book saying what a person can and can’t be. The same is true for all couples, gay, straight, or otherwise.
This type of incorrect thinking has created a stigma for domestic violence amongst lesbian couples. The bias is that “the big bad butch,” must be the abuser, and the more feminine of the two is automatically the victim. This is also the case with heterosexual couples, where the man is automatically marked as the bad guy if you will. Often men are ashamed to say that their female partner has beaten them. They might think it makes them seem weak. The same goes for butch partners. Statements such as, “ what, you couldn’t handle her,” come to mind.
I have witnessed this prejudice in both my personal and professional life. At one point, I worked as a corrections officer. I have seen instances where these very scenarios have played out. I worked in the booking department, at times, so I was privy to police reports and statements by the arresting officers.
In my personal life, I am not proud to say I have fallen victim to domestic violence. I am what you would call butch. I was never worried about being considered weak. But I did have a fear of being labeled as an aggressor. Because of this fear, I never reported the abuse to the authorities. I can’t say that I made the best choices in past partners. I have had quite the characters throughout my youth. A couple of them were, in fact, abusive partners. I assume it often stems from childhood trauma or a series of toxic relationships. I don’t believe in putting your hands on your partner. You take a walk or a drive. There is always something you can do, anything but that.
One night I stood up for myself. I had enough of the verbal, mental, and physical abuse. I was ready to be out of there. I hadn’t done this before, and my partner was stunned. She did not like this one bit. And what does a possessive or controlling person do when they lose control. They fight like hell to gain back control by any means necessary.
That is precisely what happened. The toxic partner decided I wasn’t going anywhere, and she would make sure of it. She was in such an uproar that she called the police and stated that I had hit her. Whaaaat??? Yes, my thoughts exactly. Me outweighing her by 50 + pounds was sure to be blamed for the alleged incident. I was scared, I was worried, I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I needed to get out of there before the police arrived.
At the time, I still worked corrections and could lose my job with such an accusation. I tried to walk out the front door, but she wouldn’t let me. She stood guard in the living room where there was access to both exits, the patio, and the front door. So, I did what anyone would do. I barrel-rolled out of my bedroom window and down the hill. My apartment had a hill type of landscape. I called my best friend to pick me up and take me to spend the night elsewhere.
I was ducking and diving around bushes and acting all silly. I was doing whatever I remembered that they did in the James Bond movies. I’m not an escape artist by far. So I had nothing to compare real-life situations to. My knowledge of keeping a low profile was limited to James Bond and the Pink Panther. Whether it was my smooth Pink Panther cat-like reflexes or just dumb luck, I succeeded in the escape mission. My best friend met me around the back, far out of view of my apartment.
Looking back, I think of how ridiculous I must have looked. Why was I with a cruel person in the first place? Fast forward to a couple more lessons learned, and then it was splitsville. I certainly dodged a bullet and some jail time with that one.
The purpose of this article was to shed light on this unspoken issue. Same-sex couple abuse is real and occurs more often than you think. I got out of that crappy relationship and realized how naive I must have been to allow myself to be put in such a roller coaster of a relationship. We all make mistakes, but you are not alone. There are people like myself, who have left abusive partners and found happiness. You may not think it, but there are a lot of people who are rooting for you and want to help.
If you or a friend are a victim of abuse, please reach out and talk to someone. Get help however you feel comfortable. Below are phone numbers and websites that you can contact anonymously with no obligation. Some of these sites have text chat if you don’t feel comfortable calling. The websites contain additional resources on getting out of a dangerous situation and into safety. If you are in immediate danger, always call 911 first.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1−800−799−7233 or thehotline.org
The National Suicide Prevention Hotline
1–800–273–8255 or suicidepreventionlifeline.org
Rape, Incest or Abuse
1–800–656–4673 or rainn.org
